Q: I've only been married two years but I'm bored. I feel like I'm in the so-so zone: it's not bad enough to consider leaving but if this is the future, they can stick it! Does it mean we're not as compatible as I thought or are we just not putting the effort in?
Sounds to me like you've both simply settled into Dullsville: do nothing but routine things together, fun things apart and rarely make love. If this sounds horribly familiar, give each other a swift kick up the bottom and instantly plan six fun things you can do together this week. That's right - this week! They don't have to take loads of time or be complicated. It might be take a bath together, go and try that new restaurant, see friends you haven't seen in ages, a decision to start making plans for that longed for holiday. Continue doing this for a month. If you're still not enjoying each other's company four weeks later, while lounging around that fabulous resort, yes, you're in trouble. It sounds like an awfully simple solution to the problem but according to most of the couple's counsellors I know, if the relationship can be saved, that saves it in 70% of cases.
Q: I'm happy with my long-term boyfriend but we got together very young and I have strong urges to be single. The minute I imagine it though I start to think about everything I'd miss about him. I keep going back and forth between the two and still feel undecided about what I really want.
I'm a huge fan of making lists in this type of situation. Your first list is headed, "What do I have to gain by staying". Emotionally, your lover might make you feel secure and loved, be a great shoulder to cry on, dispense terrific advice, give great orgasms. Practically, they might pay half the mortgage or rent or give you a better lifestyle than you'd have alone. Write down all the good things your lover brings to your life without worrying whether they're politically correct or not: it's not your eyes only so no-one else is going to cast a critical eye over it and judge you! The next list is "What do I have to gain by leaving" where you repeat the exercise from the opposite perpective. Write down what you think the advantages are to flying solo. More time to spend on me. The chance to meet someone I'm truly compatible with. The freedom to travel. List all the pluses for flying the coop, then compare the two lists. Which do you think would make you happy long-term? What does your gut instinct tell you? Do you need more information? Perhaps you decide you would like to stay but want to travel solo for six months. It's worth asking your partner rather than assuming they'd say no. Maybe you'd like to continue going out but would rather live separately. There just might be a compromise in there if you open your mouth and find out.
Q: I've been with my partner now for ten years and I've been vaguely dissatisfied for the last three of them. We own a house together and have a nice lifestyle but we don't have children. I'm not sure if I'm in the wrong relationship or just stuck in a rut.
Relationships can sometimes feel like a record that gets stuck in a scratch, playing the same few notes over and over. No matter how much you love the song, hearing the same bit ad infinitum would drive you mad within minutes. All relationships go through boring patches and you're being idealistic to imagine you'll escape them. But there is a huge difference between a relationship in a rut and a relationship that has reached its use by date. In my experience, people who say they're in a rut and up with it for years, are usually staying for the wrong reasons. The number one reason is because they can't bear to give up on all that hard work. If you've been together for years, it can seem like such a waste to throw it all in and start again.
It might help to ask yourself the following questions, trusting your initial gut reaction answers: "What are you still doing together?" If your answer is along the lines of "Well, we've been together for ages," it might just be history holding you. Also ask, "If I stopped working at this, would it fall to bits?" If the answer is "Yes" or "Probably", try it for two weeks and find out. If it does and the person isn't prepared to work to save it, it's time to go.Another good question, "Am I in it just for the.....? Sex? Something to do on the weekend? Because you can't be bothered moving all your stuff out? The clincher question: "If I had to repeat the last six months of this relationship over and over until I died, would it make me happy?" If the answer to that one makes you want to run for the nearest cliff, you definitely need to cut your losses and leave.Q: How do you know when it's time to leave or hang in there if a relationship goes through a bad patch? I'm single now but have been looking at my past relationships and can't decide if I leave too early or stay too long. Are there any set rules or guidelines to help for next time around?
Every situation is individual but there are certain generalisations that seem to hold true for everyone. I'd hang in there if you both seem to want the same out of life but struggle with the practicalities of how to enjoy it. This and constant arguing are communication issues that can be solved by talking effectively. (If you can't, it's worth seeing a therapist to learn how to communicate better.) It's also worth staying if you both recognise there's a problem and are still talking and thinking about how to solve it.
Leave in that situation and you'd regret not seeing it through to the end - or a new beginning. It's time to go if your partner treats you badly, takes you for granted or you're so bored, you can barely work up the enthusiasm to kiss them goodbye before leaving for a month's holiday solo. Ditto if you only share one or two things in common (a hobby, sex, the dog), if you're the one doing all the work to solve the relationship's problems, they're unwilling to change or compromise or don't even acknowledge you have problems, it's also time to drag out the suitcases.
Q: I've made up my mind I want to leave my husband but how do I do it? I still love him, if not in the right way, and know he'll ask me if I've fallen out of love with him. He'll be confused if I say I still love him but want to leave him. It's a different love though - more friendship than lust or romantic love.
I know it's incredibly hard but love isn't a reason to stay. You can love your partner but still not be suited long-term. If you've been with him a long time, of course you still care desperately, have lots of shared history and good times. But if you truly loved him, and it sounds like you do, it's kinder to him to set him free so he can find someone who loves him back in the right, romantic way. The first thing to do is break it to him, gently and tactfully but also quickly. You've felt like this for a long time, it's cruel to waste any more of his time. Just do it.
If he asks if you still love him (and most people do), tell him you do but as a friend not a husband. Expect to be upset. Part of you will be relieved and a little excited, the other part will wonder what the hell you did it for because you're lonely and miss having them around. (If you're still mooning around after a few months and are positive it's him you miss, not a relationship, call him up and consider giving it another go.) Do some soul-searching. Why did you choose him in the first place? Why did you wait so long before leaving? Make sure you don't repeat your mistakes with the next person. Write down all the reasons you left to remind yourself not to go back simply because it's easy, you've had a rubbish Saturday night and feel like a cuddle. One final thing: don't try to be friends immediately. Many a cosy coffee has turned into an unhappy reunion.
