I kissed a girl and I liked it

Q: Once someone says they are gay, does it mean they are gay for life? My sister has just come out but I think it’s more a rebellious stage she’s going through, despite her insisting she is a lesbian.

This could well be a stage your sister is going through and the best reaction to have is to be accepting of whatever she decides. The fact is our sexuality is fluid throughout our life. It is possible to be ‘gay’ for a period of months or years, then straight for the rest of your life, or vice versa. Lots of straight people have one or two sexual encounters with the same sex before deciding which sex suits them best.

So a more apt definition might be, ‘I’m straight at the moment’ or ‘I’m gay right now’. About 50 per cent of people experiment, to varying degrees, with the same sex during adolescence. That statistic includes everything from having a major crush on a same-sex teacher to actually having sex with the same sex. Of those who do experiment, the majority decide it’s not for them after all. Others need to explore further before they decide or know very early on they’re gay. Let your sister know you don’t mind what sexuality she is and she’ll make the choice that’s best for her.

Q: I’m not sure if I’m straight or gay. I’ve had and enjoy sex with women but mainly have it with men. How can I tell if I’m sexually curious or seriously gay or lesbian?

The closest I can get to a definitive answer seems to be this: you’ll know you’re gay if you’re consistently and repeatedly drawn to the same sex and rarely or never to the opposite. Now, you may decide you need to continue to sleep with both sexes before you can truly be sure. If you feel comfortable about that, go for it – just make sure you practise safe sex and don’t get into dangerous situations. If you’re still none the wiser after experimenting and feel the need to explore it further, google ‘gay support groups’ and have a look at the information available online.

You might want to go to an activity organised by a support group or talk to one of their counsellors. There are lots of great books on the topic as well on amazon.co.uk. Focus on thinking about areas that may be holding you back from ‘admitting’ you’re gay (like how your family will react, concerns about not having children, etc.). Once these concerns are addressed, you’ll be less anxious about the conse¬quences and more likely to unearth your real inclination. Finally, ask yourself, what sort of relationship would satisfy me most at the moment? You don’t have to make a decision for life.

Q: I’ve been a lesbian for around 18 months and am at the point where I’m considering telling people. When’s the right time to admit to people that I’m gay and do you have any advice on how to make it go smoothly?

This is something only you can decide. The upside to confessing is if everyone supports and accepts you, the relief is enormous. Not so great if they don’t, your greatest fear is realised and you’re rejected, made fun of or ostracised. There’s no rule that says once you decide you’re gay you have to come out of the closet with a brass band. Be selective with who you tell and your timing. Some people don’t need to know and you’ll gain nothing by telling them. You might want to also consider the following: How confident are you about your sexuality? If you’re confused or feel you might be passing through a phase, hold off. Choose your time. Are your family or friend's in a good head space to receive the news? What are your reasons for telling them? If it’s to build a more open, loving, trusting, respectful relationship, fine. If it’s to deliberately hurt them, it’s not very constructive for anyone.

Accept that people may say things they don’t mean and will need time to get used to your news. Think about it. It took you years to get used to the idea of being gay or lesbian; it will take them a little time to readjust as well. If the person is extremely conservative or very religious, it will be hard for them to accept your decision no matter how much time you give them. Are you sure they need to know? Can you keep this part of your life separate and still maintain a good relationship? Finally, make sure the decision to come out is your decision. Ignore people who pressure you either way. It will have a huge impact on your life – it could be positive, it could be negative. Make sure you’ve thought through the conse¬quences before going ahead.

Q: A girl I have been friends with since school and who I am very close to has just told me she’s gay. I’m straight. I feel a bit weird about it all. Does it mean she fancies me?

Not necessarily. Think logically about it for a moment. Brad Pitt is straight and so am I but does that mean he’s going to fancy me if we met, just because we’re both heterosexuals? Sadly, no. It’s a common misconception that just because someone fancies the same sex, it automatically means they’ll fancy anyone who’s the same sex. Silly. I’d assume she doesn’t unless she goes on to confess undying love.
She might have nurtured a little crush at some point but unless she’s got any reason to suspect you’re bi-curious (and it doesn’t sound like you would have), she knows it’s not going any further. You might feel a bit funny for a little while – mainly because you’ve been prattling on about men for years, thinking she was interested when she wasn’t - but that will pass. If it’s a strong friendship, you’ll still rattle on about relationships and things will revert back to normal. The only difference will be her relationships are with women and yours with men. Simple.

Q: I don’t want to be gay but have always known that I am. I’ve tried so hard to be straight but I simply don’t want to have sex or fall in love with men, even though I have several good male friends. I live in a small town and don’t think people will know how to handle it. What should I do?

I think the first step is to perhaps stop fighting the inevitable. While you might not be gay for life, it seems apparent you are at this stage in your life. I appreciate this isn’t easy because it’s hard being different in anything. It feels uncomfortable being singled out, especially if you live in a conservative community and feel like you’re the only one who is like you. I actually suspect you’re probably not. If you did decide to come out, don’t count on ending up the only gay in the village aka Little Britain! But even if you are the only lesbian, if it’s handled in a sensitive way, the locals might surprise you. Not all country people are homophobic or narrow minded in their beliefs.

Having said that though, I appreciate it isn’t easy being in any minority group and some people will judge you as many are prejudiced against homosexuals. The rewards for being ‘normal’ are so great that those who can pass for straight often will. But trying to deny who you are and pretending you’re not gay or lesbian isn’t a terribly good idea either. Those that do often suffer from low self-esteem, and tend to distance themselves from family and friends (can’t let anyone get too close in case they find out), ending up feeling even more isolated. Their life is based on a lie so they never feel accepted. If you honestly think the community you live in couldn’t cope with the truth, moving to a city or neighbourhood where being gay is more accepted could be a good idea. It makes sense to surround yourself with people who accept you for who you are.